Archive for Relationships

28 Jul 2013

Sobbing on Birthdays

No Comments Be More, Empowerment, Fearless Living, Life Coaching, Live your best Life, Love, Relationships

birthday cakeSome people I know get really freaked out around the time of their birthday. They see the passage of time and relate it to how far they have come and put themselves on a scale to monitor and measure their success. I don’t really do that with my own birthdays, but I make up for it when it comes to my kids.

My girls happen to have birth dates that are two days apart. On Clara’s 5th birthday, her baby sister Ava came home from the hospital. Since then the second week of July has taken over as the week of birthdays in our house. This usually is accompanied by many, many, other children, adults, family members, and this year even animals descended upon my household. It is a sugar riot, accompanied usually by the first heat wave of the year. Ah yes, the week of birthdays is nearly as big as Christmas around here.

Amidst all of these festivities I usually find myself sinking into a sentimental sobbing mess. “Is this the time you would have been going to the hospital mom?” asks one of my daughters on the eve of the big day. “How many laps around the block did you do the day before I came?” and my favourite, “Mom would have been screaming for the epidural about now,” comments from my husband. All the charming moments are recounted and details unearthed.

Birthday’s become your story in a way. They mark the passing of time, and force people to reckon with just how far they have come. With my girls, I usually notice how big their feet have grown. This year I noticed how the birthday guest list has changed from my friends to their friends. How they are no longer babies, but individuals with personalities and budding roles that they will take on with them into their lives. Mostly birthday’s fill me with an absolute disbelief at how fast this is all going. I so vividly remember the sheer work and determination that it took to nurse my newborns and yet it is unbelievable how far we have moved away from that time. We have moved through the Elmo stage and are now at a time that seems almost as horrifying to face, having a full on 11 year old pre-teen!

So once a year I allow myself with as much grace as I can muster to have a time of sobbing for the passage of yet more birthdays. I use sentiment to remind me how much I have to be grateful for and get right into the reality of these two girls being those babies I brought home from the hospital. Their feet are so big, their hair is so thick, their laundry growing exponentially with them. The near terror I feel at the next birthday milestones we will meet is replaced with the knowing that there is no other way. Let the birthday’s pass and feel the surreal moments of moving in time. Living life on purpose is allowing the feelings that come up to be felt in order to really get to the depth of gratitude …I am grateful that we get to do all this “stuff” of life. Choosing to live on purpose may cause some sobbing from time to time, but it is worth it.”

23 May 2013


No Comments Be More, Building Confidence, Do More, Empowerment, Fearless Living, Life Coaching, Live your best Life, Motivation, Relationships

isolatedcatNobody but nobody gets by on this earth on their own. -Maya Angelou

What assumptions are you making about life that includes the thought or feeling that you must do it alone? What about the thought or feeling that you have tried to connect but there just isn’t anyone out there for you. Are you feeling like a reject? Like you can’t fit in? That you are just doing it wrong?

Those thoughts and feelings are fear based. When you have them you have an opportunity to stop the soundtrack of unworthiness that is keeping you stuck and unfulfilled.

One of the best ways to do this is to talk it out. Everyone needs someone that they can air all of this out with. Happy people have this quality in common – relationships. Happy people have a sense of connection and belonging that makes all the rest of the crap of life worthwhile.

If you do not have your go to people, then what do you have? How do you process all that STUFF that goes on in your head? How do you possible get perspective on it all?

Isolation is one of the deepest, most painful expressions of unworthiness. Unless you are really, really good at meditating and visit ashrams often, I urge you to think about who you get by with on this earth. If you feel you are coming up short, here are 3 tips to get you out there and finding your people.

1) Hire me! I coach many people who experience isolation. Working with me works because I assist you in gaining perspective. When you have perspective you can work on shifting yourself into thoughts, feelings and patterns that will get you moving in your desired direction. You will get better results quicker with me than you will on your own. I guarantee that.

2) It is painful to do, but work on becoming a “joiner” The only way to get more of the good stuff is to get out there and join.  A trait common in people who feel isolated is that they do not like to get involved in organizations.  Lack of worth keeps them stuck at home. Thoughts like “what do I have to offer anyone”, keep them from walking dogs at the SPCA, or take a pottery class.  If you are isolated and don’t have your people, you are going to have to commit to getting out and meeting them.

3) Don’t expect to meet your new best friend every time you muster up the courage to get out and do something. Don’t let the results of your first few steps outside of your comfort zone change the truth. Everyone needs to find a place in the world where they feel that they belong. If you are not getting it from your work, or family, then you must go and find that space for yourself. It never ceases to amaze me when clients face the fear of putting themselves out there and the uncomfortable feeling of getting to know people, how much better they start feeling about themselves. Feel better, do better, be more happy. Nobody gets by on this earth on their own. What is keeping you stuck in the belief that you have to?

01 May 2013

Love Your Mammies!

No Comments Be More, Building Confidence, Empowerment, Fearless Living, Live your best Life, Love, Relationships

I am now old enough that I get mammograms as a part of my medical health coverage.  40 is the magic number. I have arrived! I get to go have my boobs squished!

Where I live, British Columbia, Canada, the medical system provides screening for women at 40. It took me 4 months, and a kick in the pants from one of my heroes that announced online that she had found something in one of her boobs. Sharing the way she did inspired me to love myself more, and I picked up the phone and immediately booked the big day. I will admit it has been on my mind and I was a little hyped up walking into the appointment.

The appointment was so quick and easy! While it was happening, it made me think I should be doing more yoga and had me calculating how many boobs this amazingly efficient radiologist literally HANDLED every day. At the end of the 4 minutes, I said, “That was easy!” and she said, “Spread the word.” It reminded me that some women, probably many women, don’t consider it an act of self-love to go and get this annual check. They ignore it, avoid it, fear it, and forget it. Whatever their reason, they don’t do it and it is such a shame. Many women I coach have little concern for their mammies outside of practical health matters. “Boobs just aren’t my thing,” laments yet another client, “I never let anyone see them!”

Here is what I know. As a woman, you need to embrace the power of your boobs! The spirit of the woman is expressed in the breast. Think about any cultural expression of the woman, and the breast is the expression of the feminine. There is a reason for this – to be a woman is to connect to your breasts. Mother’s who choose to nurse get to experience a deep knowing of their breasts. For better or worse a nursing mom has a relationship with her boobs for a period of time. Whether she continues this relationship with herself and her boobs, I believe can say a lot about her love relationships. For many women, self consciousness gets in the way and thoughts about size, shape, and partner appeal all come up. When this happens in relationships where the other partner is someone who is not good at practicing love, it usually leads to a lack of self worth which manifests in disconnection in the relationship. One of the biggest sources of relationship meltdowns have issues relating to the bedroom. I coach women to among other things to take responsibility for their own sexuality. Remember, in order to really love yourself, you must also face your sexuality, and take responsibility in getting your own sexual needs met. If you are leaving the boobs out, maybe you are missing out.

Here is a fact that I like to share with clients who are having a hard time connecting in their sexual relationships. Find ways to increase oxytocin, or the love hormone. For women, one of the easiest ways to do this is through nipple stimulation. Seriously, I just wrote that! But it is true! You can use your mammies to make you feel better, more connected, and increase your love hormone, oxytocin.

For women, boobs could be one of your missing link to loving and feeling good.  Do some research and discover how you can make better friends with your breasts. Make a commitment to keep this vital part of yourself healthy and happy. Get to know yourself, and take care of all of you. If you are in love with your boobs, then good for you, what else do you need to love a little more? Self-love and self-care show up in the strangest of places, but while I was getting my boobs squished it was there.

Here is a great article to get the health facts related to making friends with you boobs in the bedroom:

24 Apr 2013

Is Text Messaging Ruining Your Life?

No Comments Life Coaching, Live your best Life, Relationships

I have lost count of how many clients I have had that had full blown conflict in their lives because of text messaging. Technology is an amazing accomplishment that has made our world smaller and smaller because of how we can stay connected. Ironically, it is also one of the leading causes of disconnection, miscommunication, and most of all, hurt feelings.

Here are my top six rules for text messaging. Follow them and cut down on the drama in your life.

Rule  #1 – Use text messaging to inform. Texts are meant to be short and sweet relays of information. “I am waiting outside”, “I’ll be 15 minutes late.” Be conscious of what you are sharing in texts. If you are trying to relay important information that actually has meaning in your life, a text is not the way to adequately do it.

Rule #2 – Remember, texting isn’t really communicating. How many times have you been sucked into a long drawn out texting conversation? If you are exchanging more than 10 texts to inform someone of what’s up – stop. Pick up the phone. I laugh when people say, “…and we spent all night texting.” If that is your basis for knowing someone, I urge you to dig a little deeper.

Rule #3 – Resist the urge. If you are upset or angry, do not text. This is the same rule as don’t hit send on your email when you are fuming. Do you really think you are going to get a resolution to your issue from a text? Are your feelings so worthless that you are going to use little characters on a screen relay them for you? Resist the urge to send that text. Stop, breathe, dial a number, or make a date to talk face to face. Be a grown up.  Grown ups understand self-regulation. Resist the urge to send that text.

Rule #4 – Clarify. In face to face conversations we use tone of voice accompanied by facial expressions to aid in delivering the meaning of the words we are speaking. While texting, neither of these are there. All we see is words. Someone might send you a text that would be funny when told in person, but without the tone of voice or facial expressions comes across as hurtful. When receiving a text, don’t jump to conclusions – clarify what the person meant before making assumptions. Assumptions get us into trouble. When sending a text, make sure that it will deliver a clear message so that it isn’t misinterpreted. Click here to read “Instead of Fueling the Flames.”

Rule #5 – Use technology for good. Do use texts to relay love messages. Make a conscious choice to turn texting into a tool to keep you connected by sending messages of love and appreciation for the people in your life. Like anything in life, you can actively choose to make it work for you. Go ahead and drop love bombs on people. Love is a powerful thing, and a little can go a long way. Choose to make texting work for you, choose to make it good.

Rule #6 – Respect your relationships. If you are so attached to your device that you are interrupting conversations with real people to talk to other people, you are not respecting your relationships. If you break bad news, relay hurt feelings, or drop bombs in text messages are you being respectful or are you a drama junkie? The instantaneous sharing of information is very seductive. Drop the drama and choose to deploy Rule #5 and use it for good.

Decide to stop using convenience of the messenger and pay attention to what you are really using your device for. Choose to do the work of real communication rather than falling down the slippery slope of living in a hand held world. It is great to reach out and say hello. Choose to keep it simple and drop the bad habits that inevitably bite back.

15 Nov 2012

What’s your evidence?

1 Comment Do More, Life Coaching, Relationships

go mining for gemsAny belief that we hold on to has evidence to support it.  That evidence is a creation of our perceptions and is shaped by our needs and wants.  We want to loose weight, yet, we have a train of thoughts that say, I can give up everything but ice cream, or I will start Monday after the party Saturday night.  Then when we fail, it is easy to access all of the excuses needed to let us off the hook.  The evidence is already there, ready and waiting for us.

Catch yourself when you are mentally compiling a laundry list of items that you can be mad at your partner for. We get easily trapped by thoughts like; she never asks me how my day was, but just starts complaining about the kids, or he never even asked how that Parent/Teacher interview went, he doesn’t even care.  When you catch yourself connecting behaviours to intentions, stop yourself.  Ask: As a result of this evidence, what do I get to do? Most of the time having evidence like this is a justification to feel angry, hurt, or ignored.  Then we hang on to those feelings and start trolling around for more evidence to back it up.

Building evidence is one of the most destructive things that people do in relationships.  Start transforming this habit into a powerful tool to help shift evidence building into evidence mining.

Evidence mining?  Yes!  Instead of building the case against, mine for the case for.  It is easy to dream up ways that people can potentially harm you.  That is your fear mechanism at work, doing its job, protecting you.  Unchecked, it has the power to become the loudest of those voices in your head because it has the most important job to do, protect you.

How to mine for evidence:

1) The more proactive and powerful approach is to mine for the gems.  What is the evidence that your husband is for you.  They may be small, but if you are willing to mine, I suspect you will be able to come up with all sorts of little ways he supports your relationship.

2) When we hold on to protect ourselves, our typical first instinct is to clam up and stop talking.  We withhold in order to prove ourselves right and build more evidence against the person.  Instead use the tool of willingness.  Be willing to go first.  Be willing to remind, to ask, and be clear about what we want.

3) Be curious.  Miners are explorers first.  If you ask questions you are more likely to get clarity.  When we build evidence we usually make up scenarios and situations in a pre-emptive strike.  Instead be willing to find out more first, and reserve judgement for later.

It’s easy to focus on the negative.  It’s easy to hang on to past hurts.  It’s easy to make assumptions.  The irony is that none of these actions lead to easy, loving relationships. Do the work. Focus on the evidence that your partner is on your side, and notice the change in results.  It may be the tougher path, but it is also the more rewarding one.